So I heard (well more like received via IM) some news this morning that gave me one of my ‘aha’ moments. Well, while the back story would give perspective and make my tale juicy, it involves stuff that people who should know, don’t. So after reading the news, my reactions were: the bomboclaat fucker; chuckling; a couple tears; begin to plot my revenge; forgiveness; and finally curiosity.
Yes, I’m one of those persons who if you see me chuckling before the tears come, RUN FO’ COVER!!! If the laughing comes after the tears, take into consideration afore mentioned warning and be afraid, be very afraid. It is a simple equation. More tears=more forgiveness=less likely to plot revenge and more open emotion sharing. More laughter=less forgiveness=more likely to plot (not just revenge) and evasive emotion sharing. Then after forgiving, and depending on my satisfaction of curiosity, I move on. Sadly, my friend outright refused to give me more details so I can’t plot my revenge/action fully, for fear of jumping the gun (dutty bastid). I realized that the person who may have hurt me was someone I care for, but just because I care and will still do so, doesn’t mean I’m a soft hearted desperate floozy. By virtue of me putting up with bullshit, it means I’m a nice person who tries to be understanding and not fall back on darker behavior. Seeing as how I did fall back on darker behavior because I just knew that something was off in this scenario, I’m finding it funny. Seeing as how I expected the person to act like they wear big people britches, I am exceptionally pissed. Pissed enough to boil a couple oleander leaves and make the person who offended me drink it, but since that entails work and me possibly going to jail, I won’t. Also seeing that I tried to honour the person’s wishes and still they refused to be honest, and when I was even doing something similar to what they may have did, they flipped, I am fucking enraged.
Do not, and I repeat do not cross me. I have come very far in my attempts to be a nicer person, in my acceptance that I have a temper that ought to be reigned in, in my aim to not be a manipulative brat who feels no remorse in using the masculine sex, in my wish just to you know, try and conform. So since it seems that for some reason each time I try, I get goosed, I won’t get bitter though. I’ll still be a friend; I’ll still try and care, and to some extent love. After calming down and mulling this over (albeit sober and without comfort food), I may decide to have a nice conversation with a couple friends. Then I may talk to the person and not ignore everything-sadly ignorance is so blissful and it is a preferred coping mechanism. And just maybe one day, I can look, talk to or even just think of the person without any homicidal tendencies. Woosah, that made me feel a little better.
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